Jokes 6:
(This is a puppet show. The puppets are faces painted on the soles of the feet of the performer, who sits back with his feet supported and about all the audience can see is the feet. He moves the feet for animation. If a prop is needed the performer brings it to the characters on the end of a stick. The characters are “1” and “Matt.” The can be made to represent the classical comedy and tragedy masks.)
One of the heartwarming things about this county is the number of fat bald men peddling around on bicycles. There are three benefits. It reduces the pressure on our infrastructure. It reduces their environmental footprint. And they die like flies.
This ecological awareness can come from a simple conversation between strangers.
1(Sips, then with relish.) “Ah. That is good whisky.”
Matt “Tastes like something that drained out of a horse.”
1 “I should borrow your horse. I’d lie under it all day.”
Matt “Other things come out of horses.” (Gulps.)
1 (Sips.) “Very good. Well the rain has broken the heat to a degree.”
Matt “I hate rain.”
1 “The sun is very pleasant.”
Matt “I hate the sun.” (Gulps. Beckons waiter for another drink.)
1 (Sips.) “So you are a natural born night owl.” (Then to waiter.) “No thanks, Booth. Just the one for me.”
Matt “I hate the night.”
1 “Tell me. Why are you such a sourpuss? I mean with a horse like that and all.”
Matt “My life is a failure. I’ve lost it, the dream.” (Gulps.)
1 “And what would you like to do with your life?”
Matt “I want to marry my granddaughter.”
1 (Signals for another drink.) “Another one, Booth. And what does she say about that?”
Matt “What does who say?”
1 “Your granddaughter.”
Matt “I don’t have a granddaughter.”
1 (Gulps.) “Children?”
Matt (Gulps.) “Nope. I can’t even get a date.”
1 “I can imagine. So you want go get married, have a child, have that child grow up and have a daughter that you will marry?”
Matt (Signaling for another drink.) “Yes. What’s so difficult about that?”
1 “Let’s see. You want to survive thirty eight years, have two women fall in love with you and you are a repulsive fossil that drinks like a fish. I do see difficulties.”
Matt “There’s no law against it.” Signals another drink.
1 “I wouldn’t know. But how would you handle the guilt?”
Matt (Gulps.) “‘Hey mister. Don’t burn that hospital.’ ‘Shut up, God. Without me you wouldn’t exist.’ ‘Hey God, why did you make that child sick?’ ‘Shut up, mister. Without me you wouldn’t exist.’ ‘Hey mommy, why am I a social disgrace?’ ‘Shut up, kid. Without me you wouldn’t exist.’ Guilt never stopped anybody before.”
1 “One more, Booth. I’ll be walking home tonight.”
Matt “Drive drunk and you die or get your license revoked. Walk drunk and you are really likely to die. I knew a guy used to walk home drunk. Got hit and it turned him inside out. Instead of putting drinks in his stomach he had to put his stomach into the drink.”
1 “I’ll call a cab.” (Produces a cell phone and note.) “Let’s see, name of company is … All right, what do you call a taxi?”
Matt “A fat menace to society.”
1 “That’s the driver. The cab is a yellow fellow.”
Matt “Day job … keep … at all cost.”
1 “799 2222.” (Tries to make call.) “Blasted numbers are blurry. Here. Call me a cab.” (Hands over phone.)
Matt “No.”
1 “Please, please.” (Gets on his knees.) “Just call me a cab.”
Matt (Pockets phone.) “All right. You’re a cab.”
1 (Maudlin.) “Thank you. Thank you. They just don’t make them like you any more. You’re my best friend. What is your name?”
Matt “Matt.”
1 “I’ll bet people walk all over you. Ha, ha.”
Matt (Scowls.) “What are you driving?”
1 “Green Ford.”
Matt “Got your keys?”
1 “Right here.” (Takes them out.)
Matt “I’ll see you then.”
1 “Thanks again, Matt. I’m sorry you’re going to die of something disgusting before you get a chance at your dream.” (Staggers away. Falls. Gets up.) “Must keep going.”
Matt (Makes a call.) “Hello 911. I’m just leaving Booth’s Bar in a green Ford. Tell the cops I dare them to try to catch me.” (Ends call.) “He’ll be riding a bicycle soon.”
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